Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
