I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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