Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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