I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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