How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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