Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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