I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
