I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
