i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
