dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
