I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
