Betty ford says i'm here all night
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
