8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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