Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
