Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
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