you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
