I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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