I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
