just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
