I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
