theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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