You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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