hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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