If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
