So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
