just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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