imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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