Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I need water and some morals
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
