You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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