I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
