I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
