It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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