apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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