Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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