Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
