i would punch a child for taco bell
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
how drunk are you?
Several
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
