Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
