Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I want a musical about memes.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
