You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
