I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize