Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
