Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
A+ Viking dick
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
