Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize