herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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