hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
