I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
