and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I supernannyed him into submission
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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