please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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