Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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