i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize