Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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