Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Me. At least after what I've been through.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
