I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
