There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
