I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
