Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
