***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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