I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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