I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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