Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
