Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
