1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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